Transformations
by Ladelalander
Summary: Katniss is home but her problems from the past month in the Arena are far from over.
1. Chapter 1

AN: This chapter is a little intro to the story. Katniss is just contemplating her new life and the problems that will potentially arise with it: basically, just thinking to herself. Future chapters will not be as wrapped up in her head.

_Already the boy with the bread is slipping away from me._

And he was. Peeta. The boy- the boyfriend?-who I had spent weeks trying to survive with. Attempting to protect and help. In that arena, Peeta was the only person who was there for me. Even when he was with the Careers, he was secretly protecting me. I could trust him with my life- I had needed to. Nevertheless, the Arena is not real life. What one does in times of desperation does not reveal one's true thoughts. Or does it? Peeta loved me- this I am sure of. Well, I am sure that he _loved_ me.

But what of Gale? Gale, the boy who I had known for years, who helped me survive in a different way. What was our relationship? I cared for him. He was my best friend, no doubt in my mind that our feelings in _that _department were reciprocal. However, did I love him? Do I love him now? Hell, does _he _even love me?

Not that love matters. I am never going to get married and have children. If I did, I _would _leave the Districts in a heartbeat. I would take Prim, my mother, and Gale-or Peeta? - with me. No way would I wait for my child to be born in this grisly culture.

Before the Games, I assumed the Capitol was decent overall. I foolishly thought that they just wanted to scare off another rebellion. It's much more than that. The games are gruesome beyond belief. I knew that beforehand, but experiencing death and near death, multiple times a day really provides a sense of unbeknownst knowledge. There ARE other ways to control "insurgences". Other ways than killing innocent children. It is wretched that no one has ever tried a rebellion since. Isn't standing around doing nothing- waiting for your child's, sister's, friend's name to be arbitrarily pulled- just as excruciating as dying whilst standing up for your rights and beliefs? I think so. Not that I would EVER say these words aloud. Not even to Gale.. Not even to Peeta. Not that either are speaking to me at the moment..

I still am not certain what the Capitol is thinking. Sure, it's been weeks since the final interview and nothing threatening has occurred, yet. However, if there is one thing that I have learned since being tormented in that Arena, it's that the Capitol cannot be trusted. In fact, very few people can be trusted...

I worry way too much now. So much has changed. Even hunting rabbits has caused torment. Prim tried comforting me, telling me we do not need the meat anymore since I was rewarded for the Games. However, as I said, I do not, nor never will, rely on or have faith in the Capitol. They make all the rules, and, therefore, can change them. At this point, it would not surprise me if next year they declare that previous victors are not exempt from the Reaping.

I must admit, I succumb to the anguish brought on by the hunt, hoping that I see Gale in our woods or hill or in the places where we ate our game and mocked Effie. The sites where he taught me how to set snares and I deftly showed him how to use a bow. Most importantly, I remember us confiding in each other. Gale had no problem expressing his opinions of the Capitol—opinions which I now share—with me knowing it was treason. I felt safe with him for the first time since I lost my father. Now I haven't seen him in weeks.

Honestly, I also hunt as a form of penance. Yes, obviously, hunting brings back the memories: the screams of Rue, muttations mounting the cornucopia, starvation, thirst, heat, cold. I still sense the horror I felt when I believed Peeta's death was unavoidable. I punish myself for two reasons. One- I killed many people those weeks. Yes, the Capitol is largely to blame, but I was the cause of many people's deaths. Indirect cause of who knows how many. Had I died before I saw Rue in that tree, she could still be alive. Hell, even my "enemies" were children- none older than 18. Why were _they _considered evil? Because they wanted to survive just as I did? Because they were forced into this lifestyle through no fault of their own? **Why did **_**I **_**survive?** I hunt to remind myself that what I did was wrong- even if society accepts it. Murder for amusement is wrong and must be stopped.

Secondly, I hunt for, again, a petty reason: Gale. I hurt his feelings badly, that is obvious to me now. I kissed Peeta on national TV, without considering the consequences. Yes, I did it to survive and to help my friend live. Would do it again in a heartbeat. But did I have to flaunt it to such an extent in those days after the games ended? Worse, did I truly love Peeta as Gale insisted on that first day I saw him?

Why are such trivial things of importance to me? I have changed so much since after the Games. I'm still not sure if this transformation is for the better, or if it will end up being the metaphoric (or perhaps literal) death of me.


	2. Author's Note 1

Wow hey everyone! I am so sorry for not writing my second chapter yet :\ School has taken over my life! I thought senior year was supposed to be a breeze? HA! So yah, I am overwhelmed with finals// applying to colleges at the moment. But I have really enjoyed writing Transformations, and will continue to! Winter break is nearing, and I'll have a lot of free time :]

Thanks to swannygirl, Alice Scrambled, and smarty925 for favoriting me!

And my lovely reviewers!!!

twilight fan- Thank you for your support and compliment! You were my first ever review, it's a great feeling :]

kenzie- Ya, I really liked the Hunger Games too! (So much that I came to read fanfiction! But there were barely any stories, so I decided to make my own. Lol!) Thanks for the compliment. We'll see who Katniss ends up with :] I'm not sure even I know yet!


	3. Chapter 2

**My Loves:**

paramore fanitic- Thanks for the comment again! Hopefully you will like this chapter :]

AlwaysBettingOnAlice- (I love your user name. I LOVE ALICE!) No comparison? You really hate Peeta that much lol? I love them both equally :]]

Mr. Norrel- I hope you and your friend got your Gale fix after this post!!

_I can't help but think about the first day I returned from the Games..._

"One more time for the audience?" Peeta asks me.

The audience. This will not be the final performance for "the audience". Our lives will forever revolve around others. From this day forward, I no longer am myself, I belong to the Capitol.

The town looks different to me somehow. Everywhere I look someone is smiling gleefully or laughing blissfully. This much happiness is unheard of in District 12. We are known for being poor, hungry, and tired.

Peeta and I are standing on the platform in front of every citizen of District 12. Actually, the cameras are filming, so probably every person in all of Panem is discussing us at this very minute. I don't like the thought of that. Sure, we have been scrutinized during the Games, but this is real life now, and I want my privacy.

I want my privacy, but not from all. Being locked up for a month has helped me understand just how important friendship is. Sill holding Peeta's hand, I look into the crowd for **the** face I want to see. The sun is beating fiercely on my back, and it is hard to see through the intense light. I search and search, noticing a couple of people from my school. No doubt, they will all chat up the cameramen and pretend to be best friends with me... Left. Right. Left. Right. No one is there! I keep seeking him out. There's no way he couldn't come, right?

The heat is not helping my search. Sweating along my hairline and forehead, I am even more glad that I am in my regular jeans and t-shirt. Drenching one of Cinna's expensive dresses with my sweat would make for a very embarrassing reunion with him. Not that he'd care what I looked—or smelled—like.

And there he is. I spot him sprinting from the back of the crowd, and he smiles when our eyes meet. I have never seen Gale grin like this. He smiled in the woods when we hunted, but that was more sad: a smile that was trying to cover his true fear of the world around him.

"CATNIP!" Gale yells. At that moment, I run, not caring about the façade Peeta and I are supposed to be playing. I jump into Gale's arms and cry. I cry a lot. Gale's strength is intoxicating. I stroke his muscular arms, not believing this is real. I have not been away more than two months, but seeing him has made me realize how much I need him in my life. I devour his musky scent and think of our woods. How has his hunting managed without me?

"Gale, I.. I am so happy to see you." I somehow manage to whimper through the constant tears.

"Oh Catnip. Trust me, I am a thousand times happier. Do you know the anguish I felt whenever I saw you on the TV? I needed to watch, to see your face. To make sure you were surviving. But at the same time, I couldn't. I could not just watch you try to stay alive when here I was, safe. Whenever I saw you, I kept thinking about those last words that I was going to tell you..."

At that point, I stop breathing. I had completely forgotten. The day of the Reaping, Gale had started saying something_. "Katniss remember I..."_

"... I should have protested against the guard to stay. To tell you that...," he continues.

Suddenly it feels like the world around me has stopped moving. Cliché, yes, I know, but that is the only description in my mind. I forget all of the people who are most likely staring at me, confused. I forget Peeta, whose heart is probably tearing in two. I only see Gale and remember how _safe_, knowledgeable, kind, and supportive he is.

Just at that point, Haymitch, somehow not drunk enough for me to fend off, grabs my arm and pulls me away. His face is livid and frustrated at the same time. "What the hell do you think you are doing? There are cameras here. How are you supposed to appear madly in love if you run into the arms of the first boy you see?"

"What, I can't have friends?" I furiously snap back, "Being in love means my whole life is devoted to only one person—and only him?"

"That's exactly what it means to the Capital. The people want to see you two and only you two together. And I mean all the time. Do you hear me?"

Now I remember another reason I never wanted to be in love with anyone.

"Yes." I heard him, didn't mean I was going to listen. I quickly glance at Gale. His expression somehow changed from the most jubilant I have ever seen back to the habitual Gale face- sad, mature, and serious. I mouth, "I'll see you at our spot later today" He sees and gives an uncharacteristic wink, walking away.

Haymitch somehow doesn't make his threat obvious to other people. I overhear a reporter asking him to, "Explain Katniss's adoration to that young man". He plays off my rebellion as "homesickness", and the man nods, disbelieving.

I slowly tread back to Peeta, who is just standing there, mouth downturned into a frown. I overhear similar conversations amongst the townspeople, but most think nothing of it. How could Katniss, the girl who would give her life for Peeta, love anyone besides him? It's just plain unheard of. I reach Peeta and he looks at me, but I turn my head, too afraid to see any more miserable faces today.

Haymitch's words bounce around my head, and I reach for Peeta's hand. He understands; he gives me his hand, but not in a warm way, not in a mean way either, just a melancholy way. I had never felt his hand like this. Our hands were touching, but there was no spark, no warmth. It was a hand of someone who had no feelings towards anyone or thing.

I think back to the first day we shook hands. He had given me a reassuring squeeze, as if to say that everything would work out. I do the same to him now. He notices, but does nothing to acknowledge it or me. Maybe he knows that everything is not going to be all right this time. I look up into his eyes. They are filled with murkiness and heartbreak. There goes my goal to not see another depressed face; wow, it lasted a whole three minutes. Must be a world record.

This is painful. Peeta has always been there for me, even when I didn't know he existed. He risked punishment to give a pathetic, starving girl bread. On that first day, there is no way he could have known that everything would turn out okay, but he grasped my hand consolingly anyway. I decide to follow as he did, and, again, squeeze his hand but with more emotion and love. He may not believe me, I may not believe myself, but either way, it's good to be there for someone.

:] YES! This post is due to the fact that I am DONE with finals!!! No more finals in high school! Celebration? I think so.

3 you all.

3


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